Mommy Fatigue

Confession time: after five years on the job, I am growing a bit weary of full time mommy patrol. In the past I have felt like I needed to do this and was happy doing it and fulfilled. I have been surprised by the fierceness of my desire to spend all my time with my kids. Elaborate art projects and sing-song voices have never been my cup of tea. I did not see this as part of my personality or part of my future at all prior to Maggie. And yet, I have wanted so much for my girls and have been willing to put myself on the front line to make it happen for them.

However, I think I drew satisfaction from the managing of their care, not their entertainment. I liked rocking them to sleep and being responsible for their eating habits and watching them grow. Serious persuits. I don't think the craftiness or the play time or The Wheels on the Bus ever really came naturally to me. And now that the girls are getting older, as their physical needs are lessening and their imaginary play is growing more elaborate, my sense of accomplishment and feelings of being a good fit for this job are sliding away.

I'm resistant to doing laps around the house holding on to the end of a jump rope because Maggie is pretending to be a dog and I've been ordered to take her for a walk. I really don't want to spend time trying to find something for snack that resembles fish food because Kate is a baby dolphin whale today. I would rather stick two sharpened pencils in my ears than have to go to Sing-a-long Hour at the library. I'm just not cut out for playing dress up. I mean, I didn't really have much of a child-like demeanor when I was a child, and now I'm going grey.

***

This morning, Maggie is at preschool, and even though Kate mentioned wanting to go to the bookstore (to buy a stuffed animal fish to go with the one she already has, not books...???), I am writing at the computer while she watches Octonauts all by herself. I am not proud of this. But lately my mind wanders. There is so much fascinating stuff going on elsewhere, at least I can read about it online! Poor Kate, second-born, gets the tail end of my enthusiasm for being a stay-at-home-mom. I know I tried a lot harder with Maggie. I worried a lot more about Maggie being alone and needing my attention. Creating fun activities for toddlers seemed like a novel challenge then. I was blazing a trail. And now Kate, who may be less fearless but more social than Maggie, who may need more time at home with Mommy, has a hard time getting my attention.

Being highly analytic, I have been puzzling about what exactly is going on with me. Have I just reached an age that I don't particularly love? It happens. Some people (even women) don't get along well with babies but are wildly successful with teenagers. Some people adore cuddly newborns, despite the sleep deprivation, and then flounder with I-wanna-do-it-myself-ers. Am I simply caught at a pretty pink princess crossroads without a map for this sort of adventure?

Or perhaps I'm just in a funk. I recently went through a temporary (year-long) loss of blogging mojo (as you may have noticed), and now I'm bouncing back. Maybe I'm just battling with writer's mother's block which will work itself out eventually.

Maybe I just need to just hike up my big girl panties and reinvent the wheel. Maybe I need a new way of doing things to freshen up the day-to-day a bit. Renew my dedication to doing my best. That's certainly a more proactive approach than waiting for a revelation.

***

In the end, I packed up my bad attitude and took Kate to the library. We bummed around the kids' section with her stuffed fish and picked out some books and DVDs. On the way home, she declared that she would have pizza and peanut butter and jelly for lunch, so we made peanut butter pizzas - English muffins, toasted and spread with peanut butter, topped with yogurt raisins. Maggie was invited to a friend's house for a playdate after school, so it was just me and Kate again, hanging out. We watched some Ni Hao Kai-lan and read some library books. We ate a snack (just nutrigrain bars, not fish food). She helped me fold some laundry. And I listened to some long, rambling stories about cats and babies and I don't know what, but Kate was really excited about it. We laughed and cuddled on the couch and enjoyed ourselves.

I just need to remind myself to meet her half-way. With a little compromise, we can find our way through the next couple of years as she gains her independence and follows her sister off to school. And maybe I can eke out and hour for myself here and there to write and read and think. Wild Kratts is a pretty good show, actually. It won't melt her brain to watch an episode here and there while Mommy dreams about the future.

That Mother-Daughter Bond

Today I sang a few choruses of "Funky Town" for Kate - complete with falsetto - and her jaw dropped as she stared at me in wonder. Then she (correctly) used the word funky at least ten times in conversation over the course of the day. It's her new favorite word.

Later she insisted that we listen to the Black Keys in the car.

I feel like we have a connection.

Why I Still Feed My Kids Whole Milk

Want to see something crazy? Here's a photo of Maggie from a couple of weeks ago when she pulled an outfit out of the baby doll clothes drawer and put it on herself!



These clothes are actually the first outfit we ever bought after I found out I was pregnant with Maggie. I've saved a few of the girls' infant outfits for sentimental reasons and for them to use as doll clothes. It's a newborn sized onesie and pants, but somehow Mags was able to squeeze into them! She's the skinniest of Minnies.



She looks like she's dressed to ride the Tour de France for some kind of duck-related team.

The amazing thing is that when she was born, she only weighed 4 lbs. 12 ozs., so she wasn't even big enough to wear newborn sized clothes. The duck outfit didn't fit her! Here she is the day we brought her home from the hospital. Even her socks were too big.



This next picture shows her at about a week old in a newborn sized hat and a preemie outfit that is STILL too big...



And here's a photo of her at FOUR MONTHS, standing on a fat book in her exersaucer... finally wearing the duck onesie.



I guess once a peanut, always a peanut. Five years later she's still our Maggie Mouse.

Tu(n)esday

Gary Clark, Jr. - Bright Lights

Photographic Evidence that I Exist

We were getting ready to go to Mike's company holiday party last weekend, so I actually allowed myself to be photographed. It's a rare occurrence, but I guess it is important to have proof that I'm not just a figment of my own imagination.

And yes, a holiday party at the END of JANUARY. I love it. Everyone should have their Christmas parties in January. I enjoy it so much more when it's not drowned out by the actual holiday. I'm considering sending out my Christmas cards (that never get sent because I'm not responsible about that kind of stuff) in March. They'll say, "May the joy of the season surround you every day of the year."

In Case You Get Bored Over Here

Oh yeah, I'm still writing and updating my other blog. You know, just FYI and stuff.

Parent Teacher Conference

I attended my first Parent-Teacher Conference last week at Maggie's preschool! They do a quick check in midway through the year for kids who will be going on to Kindergarten - I guess just to confirm whether or not the kid is ready for regular school yet. It was of course no surprise that Mags is doing beautifully with all the academic milestones. She already has every item on the checklist marked off (really she could do them all before she even started preschool), and we talked about how much the way she holds a pencil has improved and how much more confident her handwriting is since September.

They also told me that she is happy at school and enthusiastic about everything they do - ENTHUSIASTIC. Like, really, really excited to do... anything. Everything. Glue! Scissors! Paint! Puzzles! Songs! Games! Coloring! She loves it! This is her favorite thing ever!

The only item she got a W+ ("working on skill") instead of a G ("good progress") on was initiating play with other children. Apparently she's fine playing with other kids and gets along well with everyone, she just won't ask another kid to play with her. So the teachers have been talking with her about just joining in with other children or just asking someone to play. Instead of complaining to them that she's all alone - in a room full of children!

When I told Mike about it he just laughed and said, "Well I wonder who she gets that from?!" Both of us are a bit... shall we say, socially reserved.

Shyness is probably just part of her genetic code, but I am glad we decided to send her to preschool. I didn't have any great requirements for her academic development this year, but I am reassured that her teachers are just the right people to help her grow socially before the big wide world of public school begins next year. That's something she probably can't get in large amounts from me personally. (I'm not knocking my mothering abilities. I've got a lock on that literacy stuff; It's just that we all have our own talents, so it's good for her to meet lots of different people.)

Here's the note they wrote on her report:
Maggie is a lovely little girl - bright, inquisitive, yet somewhat shy. We are working on initiating play with other children. She enthusiastically joins in all group activities and is very well-spoken. Maggie is enjoying her Preschool experience.

That's success in my book. We are very proud of her and looking forward to the kindergarten enrollment process that starts here in April. Kate's preschool enrollment is this week, and we're going to sign her up for a couple of mornings next year just so she's not too lonely without Mags.

My little chicks are taking off!