It is apparently my duty as a mother and an American. Something like that, or people just can't get enough photos of my children, or probably - most likely - other people just really want me to suffer through the same ordeals they put themselves through. People want me to send out Christmas cards just like they are always trying to get me to run a half marathon or take a Zumba class with them.
I'm on to you, sadists. I'm not falling for your cruel tricks.
I don't need the paper cuts and broken nails and migraines that come with having to address, stamp, and snail mail cards to everyone I know. Especially not during the holiday season, which is already so busy that I don't have enough time to drink coffee in my pajamas while staring at a book I'm not really reading - which is how I usually prefer to spend my time.
My sister-in-law, Amy, even designed this card for me so that all I have to do is order it:
It's perfect, and I do love it. My girls look so precious, and it is the kind of card I would send... But she didn't offer to hunt down everyone's real addresses, buy the stamps, and drive to the post office for me, so I don't think she was really serious.
In past years, I have considered sending out Halloween cards, because:
1) Who does that? No one would expect it.
2) I'd have more time to waste on it around the end of October.
3) Halloween is funnier than Christmas.
I've never actually gotten around to sending out these Halloween cards though, because:
1) I never get the girls' costumes done that far in advance, and then Halloween is over. Who wants a Halloween card in mid-November?
2) Again, there's all that address hunting, envelope licking, post office visiting.
3) I really just don't care enough to execute the grand plans my imagination comes up with.
But people seem to actually expect me to put forth some effort towards social conventions and holiday spirit, yada yada. (It's like you people don't even know me.) And then there's the fact that we did take some family photos this past weekend, and Mike's brother actually got some decent shots of the four of us.
|This photo was not one of them.|
When I texted one to my mom, she said, "Wonderful! That could be your Christmas card pic!" Assuming I was sending Christmas cards. If she could have nudged me with her elbow through the iPhone, she would've.
|This is the actual photo I texted to her. We are pretty cute.|
So since we all acknowledge that I don't have your actual physical address - or stamps - here's the closest thing to a card you're likely to get from me.
Wishing you all the loveliest of Decembers. Peace be with you. Love, Amanda.
**Edited to add: I stole all these photos from my brother-in-law, Jeff. And I stole all these holiday card templates from tinyprints. Please go there and buy all your holiday cards from them or else they'll probably sue me for copyright infringement or something. I should go order like 100 copies of one of these cards, even though I won't mail them out, just to assuage my guilt. I could pass them out like business cards at cocktail parties. That would be amusing.